http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/Zh-NLcFRR2A/30671

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30671?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/c3H9ZBIXifo/29381

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29381?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/BRTOptAavjc/28162

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28162?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

vebelfetzer

Originally published at Gibberings. You can comment here or there.

• :
  And I made myself a fresh cup of tea, so I had something warm to ignore. #
  Behold, the only emoticon I'll.. http://bit.ly/VQFL3 #
• Nowadays, anyone putting octopus on their nonce for a "sexy" photoshoot is officially behind the times. The cool kids are wearing placenta. #
• The Presets Hecq Twinkle IAMX Nine Inch Nails http://bit.ly/19TqLs #
• "The only reason I was able to reach escape velocity is because I was playing off-off-off-off-DPS. Players of "s.. http://bit.ly/sj2fI #
• "The only reason I was able to reach escape velocity is because I was playing off-off-off-off-DPS. Players of "s.. http://bit.ly/Dbhzn #
• "

  Noah: I wish Boners Ahoy could come in the soft ‘n’ chewy variety.
  Elizoo: That is contrar.. http://bit.ly/197slV #

• Germans Decorate with Scotch Tape and Medical Waste: This one goes out to my homies. http://bit.ly/MJGG3 #
• Regularly Scheduled Programs: #9734; A reminder that you may find me in the following places: MySpace, Facebook,.. http://bit.ly/Ov1xi #
• So essentially, Amanda Palmer resurrected the CamWhore business model for Wub 2.abloobloo. Clever girl. #
• With weeks' worth of couchsurfing under my belt, I'm now qualified to host convention panels on sneaking food and farting in foreign sheets. #
• Just home from a gallery opening in a repurposed public pool. I am being literal when I say the cabbage moths were flapping to house beats. #
• Let's play a game, kids. You give me any two words and I will draw it. GO. #
• http://twitpic.com/934u8 – @roguecnidarian LOBSTER PANTS: They Stay Up! #
• http://twitpic.com/9368e – @blackhardnews VIOLENT PHONE #
• http://twitpic.com/937e5 – @garciaje HAM CLIFFS: So they are. #
• http://twitpic.com/938ey – @vklaus LICE PIANO #
• http://twitpic.com/939vx – @mrmistofales ROBOT DIAPHRAGM: Totally unnecessary. #
• http://twitpic.com/93aqh – @glukkake SEA CHICKEN: "Eliza you're scaring me." #
• http://twitpic.com/93btb – @zbohannan CORKSCREW SEXYPANTS oh god yes now bend over unnghhhh #
• http://twitpic.com/93ddl – @rytron KRUNK SHRIMP: nigga I shrimp trains now what #
• http://twitpic.com/93eds – @dc_ ELEPHANT NARCOLEPSY: Now available on Hallmark. #
• http://twitpic.com/93h4a – RT @thecreep PENGUIN DETONATE: potentially gay. #
• http://twitpic.com/93m9h - @http://bit.ly/Mfurt
  MARSHMALLOWS #
• http://twitpic.com/93poi – @chocokate CHOCOLATE SCHIZOPHASIA: I had to look it up. #
• And that's all for tonight, folks. My apologies to the children who didn't get to sit on Santa's lap this time. First come, first slurred. #
• Get your words all gathered up for tomorrow, bright and curly! #
• WHO DISTURRRRRBS MY SLUMBERRRRR #
• AHHHH FRESHH MEEEEAT #
• Good work, damn it. Free stupid drawings to @dieselbt and @blackhardnews as soon as I sluice the congealed blood off my Wacom tablet. #
• Folks, I will be resuming my Sweatshop Sketches a little later today. Need the practice, y'see. GET READY. #
• All set, chilluns? Sweatshop Sketches GO. Today's challenge: write me a caption to go under a one-panel comic, Far Side-style. #sweatshop #
• http://twitpic.com/95y61 – @ravnos And that's when Tommy realized his arm was stuck. (re: http://twitpic.com/939vx) #
• http://twitpic.com/96638 – @vertigojones Gazing downward, Jenny wonders if she has the wrong size. #
• http://twitpic.com/96638 – @vertigojones Gazing downward, Jenny wonders if she has the wrong size. #sweatshop #
• Citizens, is there a program that will broadcast my screen or a section of my screen like a webcam? #
• Now, PEER into the Sweatshop and BE AMAZED! (Broadcasting live at http://ustre.am/3PIM) #
• Now drawing @vklaus: "and thats when he realized susan would never go to a school dance with… (Broadcasting live at http://ustre.am/3PIM) #
• Oh god, sorry guys. Started without you. #
• SERIOUSLY I AM DOING IT FOR REAL THIS TIME LOOK #
• http://twitpic.com/96qvi – @VKlaus And that's when he realized Susan would never go to a school dance with him ever again. #
• Taking a short break while folks in Sweatshop Chat vote on the next caption to be illustrated. (Broadcasting live at http://ustre.am/3PIM) #
• I want you bastards to know I stayed home from a dubstep bar-b-que for this. http://ustre.am/3PIM #sweatshop #
• http://twitpic.com/974ag – @blakkkrabbit Ted wasn't allowed into the Tunnel of Love, even when he brought his own swan. #sweatshop #
• Round Three is starting after a cartoon. Join us and vote for the next caption, OK? #sweatshop (Broadcasting live at http://ustre.am/3PIM) #
• http://twitpic.com/97jbe – @kevindoran This is why you're told never to flush used condoms down the toilet. #sweatshop #
• http://twitpic.com/97jzz – @vertigojones Gazing downward, Jenny wonders if she has the wrong size. #sweatshop #
• http://twitpic.com/97mpx – I don't need a reason. #sweatshop #
• http://twitpic.com/97on8 – #
• http://twitpic.com/9817b – @psychomar Professor Culbert's sweat powder for sweaty hands proved to be far more succesful than his pocket- … #
• Broadcast completed for the day, folks. Been asked to do it again on Monday night (PST) so it can be streamed to @DNALounge. See you then. #
• Okay, filthpuppies. Rule 34 on the reavers from Firefly. GO. #rule34 #
• I mean, FETCH! #
• "If You Wanna Smell Like Your Dad" #hitsingles #

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gumanow/3690535928/in/pool-52242091921@N01

gumanow has added a photo to the pool:

New York, NY - May 2009

http://xplanes.tumblr.com/post/135894132

pleasedontsqueezetheshaman: GOING TO THE OPERA IN THE YEAR 2000 (1882)

sunday fantasy #91

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/nKV5W-kOzkY/sarah-palin-god-told.html

Wonkette has a post up about @AKGovSarahPalin's crazy late-night twitter bender. She's gonna have to give up that handle, no? Anyway, after you slog through all the crazy ungrammatical Palinglish rambling, the point seems to be that a "higher calling" has directed her to file anti-defamation lawsuits against a number of news websites for having reported the news that she quit her post as governor of Alaska (her "news conference" to that effect is embedded above). From Wonkette:

[A]fter crazily quitting her elected position as governor of Alaska, via an alarming backyard last-minute press conference void of any explanation , at the classic 4 p.m. hour of the Friday-Holiday news dump, Sarah Palin is now twatting on the twitter about how her Anchorage attorneys are going to SUE THE AMERICAN MEDIA, for saying "WTF?" Honestly, this is what Sarah Palin twatted on Saturday Night, July 4th, Independence Day, in America.

Her link goes to (of course) Scientologist nut and sub-literate weirdo Greta Van Susteren's blog on FoxNews.com, where Greta has helpfully (?) posted seven pages of legal threats from Palin's lawyers, although you can't actually read beyond the first vague page of whining bullshit, because Greta/Fox can't figure out how to operate the Internet.

But, from other websites, we gather Palin's lawyers plan lawsuits against MSNBC, the New York Times, the Huffington Post, the Washington Post, individual bloggers in Alaska, and other such anti-Palin forces such as "rain on your wedding day" and static cling.

On his excellent "nedslist" mailing list, Ned Sublette wrote this concise and spot-on appreciation of the official text of Palin's goodbye speech:

[W]hat Roland Barthes would have called the pleasure of this text has to be savored in full to draw out its pure nuttiness. It's hard to know what to appreciate more: the all-caps prepositions; the sentence fragments that begin the fifth and sixth paragraphs, the run-on sentences, the frequent exclamation points!, the quotation from her parents' refrigerator magnet, the basketball analogy, the proposed logic of quitting so as not to be a quitter, or the grammatically incorrect final sentence framing the misattributed punchline, which was actually said not by General Douglas MacArthur but by General Oliver P. Smith. I especially like the capital O of "Outside" in "Outside special interests," which reminds us that the world consists of two parts: Alaska, and Outside.

But what I most enjoy is the authenticity of this text; there can be no question that Governor You Betcha wrote it herself {wink}.

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/ectomo/QlIJ/~3/z7lXky7L4P8/

http://www.ectomo.com/index.php/2009/07/05/sunday-sketchdump-the-sweatshop/

Over the past few days, I have been running a call-in Twitter show in which I quickly (or slowly) sketch up pictures based on ideas sent in by the audience. I call it the Sweatshop, and there have been two rounds so far.

Round 1 was simple: I asked the people for a pair of words.

VKlaus suggested “LICE PIANO”.

Round 2 upped the ante just a touch. I asked for Far Side-style captions, the sort that would go below a one-panel comic. I streamed the drawing process live on Ustream.

Kevin Doran sent in “This is why you’re told never to flush used condoms down the toilet.”

I’ve been asked to do another round on Monday night, around 8pm PST, to be streamed live to the DNA Lounge in San Francisco. Which may mean I’ll need to draw less nipples and robot twat, but we’ll see.

Hit the jump to see the rest of the horrors (some are not work safe), and latch onto me at Twitter to leech valuable nutrients from my skin.

Round 1: Word Pairs

LOBSTER PANTS (suggested by roguecnidarian)

VIOLENT PHONE (suggested by blackhardnews)

HAM CLIFFS (suggested by garciaje)

ROBOT DIAPHRAGM(suggested by mrmistofales)

SEA CHICKEN (suggested by glukkake)

CORKSCREW SEXYPANTS(suggested by zbohannan)

KRUNK SHRIMP (suggested by rytron)

ELEPHANT NARCOLEPSY(suggested by dc_)

CTHULHU MARSHMALLOW (suggested by jamespmacdonal)

CHOCOLATE SCHIZOPHASIA (suggested by chocokate)

Round 2: Captions

And that’s when Tommy realized his arm was stuck. (suggested by ravnos)

And that’s when he realized Susan would never go to a school dance with him ever again. (suggested by VKlaus)

Ted wasn’t allowed into the Tunnel of Love, even when he brought his own swan. (suggested by blakkkrabbit)

This is why you’re told never to flush used condoms down the toilet (suggested by kevindoran)

Gazing downward, Jenny wonders if she has the wrong size. (suggested by vertigojones)

Professor Culbert’s sweat powder for sweaty hands proved to be far more successful than his pocket-sized air-conditioner. (suggested by psychomar)

http://www.metafilter.com/83015/Wayne-Whipples-Peace-Flag

http://crooksandliars.com/jon-perr/palins-lawyer-threatens-bloggers-media

? During her now 10 month-long media victimization campaign, Sarah Palin has time and again revealed her fundamental misunderstanding of the First Amendment and Americans' free speech rights. Now as she prepares to exit the Alaska Governor's mansion, her confusion - and thin skin - is again on display.

On the Fourth of July of all days, Palin's lawyer Thomas Van Flein issued a warning that his client would bring defamation claims against bloggers and media alike speculating on rumors of a criminal investigation involving the Governor:

To the extent several websites, most notably liberal Alaska blogger Shannyn Moore, are now claiming as "fact" that Governor Palin resigned because she is "under federal investigation" for embezzlement or other criminal wrongdoing, we will be exploring legal options this week to address such defamation. This is to provide notice to Ms. Moore, and those who re-publish the defamation, such as Huffington Post, MSNBC, the New York Times and The Washington Post, that the Palins will not allow them to propagate defamatory material without answering to this in a court of law. The Alaska Constitution protects the right of free speech, while simultaneously holding those "responsible for the abuse of that right." Alaska Constitution Art. I, Sec. 5. http://ltgov.state.ak.us/... These falsehoods abuse the right to free speech; continuing to publish these falsehoods of criminal activity is reckless, done without any regard for the truth, and is actionable.

As Moore herself noted regarding her reference on MSNBC to the lingering questions surrounding the construction of the Palin home and the Wasilla sports complex (a story first raised last year by the Wayne Barrett in The Village Voice):

"I haven't defamed the governor, I reported on speculation and rumor in Alaska. ... It's not my rumor; it's been out there for 10 months and the First Amendment protects me," Moore said. "Even if I didn't say it's 'rumors and speculation,' I'm still protected -- I would just lose credibility, which I'm not willing to do."

Which is exactly right. While Van Flein cited the Alaska Constitution's statement that "every person may freely speak, write, and publish on all subjects, being responsible for the abuse of that right," the United States Constitution is another matter altogether. As Anchorage attorney Peter Maassen seemed to suggest, Sarah Palin's thin skin is no basis for a credible defamation suit:

"If (Palin) is actually a public figure, which clearly she is, there has to be actual malice involved, in my understanding of defamation law. That would be very hard to prove...It's a very, very high bar if it is a public figure," he said.

And regardless of what her supposed "higher calling" may be, Sarah Palin will remain a public figure. Soon, she will be unencumbered by the duties of the Governor's office, just as she is unencumbered by any apparent familiarity with the Constitution of the United States.

In the meantime, as she faces growing press scrutiny over her bizarre decision to step down, Sara Palin can follow her own advice to Hillary Clinton last year and just "plow through."

?

? ?

http://bldgblog.blogspot.com/2009/07/going-to-eleven.html

("the aim of the project translates the various hallucinations of Thomas De Quincey into the envelope of the existing house. Each environment is developed using differing techniques and processes of collaging space, forced perspective and iterative modelling in order to create a series of scale-less and absorbing hallucinatory spaces")

http://www.metafilter.com/83014/Algorithmic-Music

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/Xw_mbkzg8bc/snyders_of_hanover_has_always

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/snyders_of_hanover_has_always?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://3liza.soup.io/post/22647034/TheOnion-Diet-could-affect-SEX-of-the

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/boingboing/iBag/~3/omIEAGXeU-I/fatal-monorail-colli.html

A person who was on the scene reported to the news stations that they head a loud explosion and saw the mangled trains in the station. They tried to run to get people out of the front of the crashed train. They saw a family make it out, but the driver [ed: news report cuts off here]

The monorails involved were the pink and purple trains, according to Local 6 in Orlando; pink was moving and hit purple, which was stationary.

http://www.metafilter.com/83013/Minnesota-Politics-dontcha-know

http://www.metafilter.com/83012/Walt-Disney-World-Monorail-Collision-Leaves-1-Dead

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/daily/~3/tlGmVebY9N0/new_custard_could_cause

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/new_custard_could_cause?utm_source=onion_rss_daily